Growing in Christ
seminary
First Semester: Completed.
12 years ago
Sorry to be rather sparse on the posts lately. I’ve had the end of semester stuff going on, plus normal life, plus a massive blizzard, and a serious bought of post-semester laziness. But, as my wife says to me sometimes in the morning: “Get your lazy butt out of bed!” So, needless to say, I’ve got a few posts back-logged in my head. I am wanting to do blogging a little more faithfully this coming year, and am thinking of doing a regular posting of twice a week. We’re heading out on vacation tomorrow, so I’ll have some time to think it through, “count the costs” so to speak, and set a plan for fighting my sloth in this area.
Thoughts on my first semester completed.
I took Prolegomena to Theology, the introductory material for Systematic Theology. In the course we covered the grounds for theology, what it means for God to reveal himself, what it means to be creatures created in his image to engage with God, what the nature of Scripture is, and a little on the relation between Systematic Theology and Biblical Theology. Twelve lectures, lots of fun, lots of grrrrreat! stuff! (BTW, I have the audio and course material for the class if you’d like me to upload it for download. Hmm…24 hours of lectures, can’t you feel the anticipation!)
The Bible
One of the major things that I came away from the class reflecting on is how much I love the Bible. Here in the Bible itself we have the very voice of God. One of the thoughts that I was struck by in thinking through this is that when the Bible speaks, God speaks. When the Prophets and Apostles set to write scripture, they wrote the very thoughts of God. Karl Barth is dead wrong. When you read, “Grace to you and peace from God our Father” in Colossians 1:2, that is simultaneously Paul’s words and God’s words. So, here in my hands I hold the way of life – God’s voice to me. “The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul; the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple,” (Psalm 19:7).
Salvation
Without scripture as our glasses, we will never see the world aright. This is something I had learned from our good friend John Calvin before, but it was very helpful to walk through it over and over again in all its implications. The knowledge of God is for humility, not for the pride of my own achievement. Apart from God’s grace in the power and work of the Holy Spirit, I would still hate God and be bound to my own vain attempts to make myself God. I would know God and hate God all in the same moment. But I see God rightly through Jesus Christ by his grace. Epistemological accuracy is a gift from God, not of our own doing, along with all the other benefits God gives us (life, joy, peace, etc.). We think rightly after God because God has been merciful.
Continuationism
We touched briefly on the subjects of spiritual gifts in the course material because the subject itself addresses the issue of the nature of revelation. We read some cessationist material, and had some course lecture on the subject, and while I can see the logic in some places, I don’t see the Scriptural backing or the theological necessity. At one point it was helpful for our professor to make the observation that there are some continuationists that he recognizes as being orthodox on the nature of revelation and Scripture, but whom he doesn’t agree with their final conclusions (i.e. Piper, Grudem, etc.). I can respect that. But in the end, the more I study the subject from various angles, the more convinced I am that the continuationist perspective is what Scripture teaches.
Family
One of the difficult things to learn how to juggle was how to incorporate a part time job (school) into a regular full time job and family life. The first month of class was difficult, but after my first assignment, I made adjustments on how I did my school work so that I made the most of my time. We got a good schedule going by the end of the semester. The main thing here is being intentional. We had to do regular date nights. We had to be proactive with friends. I had to be sure that I knew how Michelle was, what was going on with her, and in many ways, share with her what I was learning and enjoying in class.
I really loved my class. It was very informative and shaping. I know that I will reference the material for the rest of my life. I’m looking forward to the semester ahead. I’ll be taking ST113: The Doctrine of God. Very good stuff ahead in that class, very important to both knowledge of God and ministry.
God, the First Theologian
02 years ago
A small thought from class has been this simple yet profound truth: God is the first theologian. If we understand (rightly, I think) that “theology” is “words about God”, then in light of God’s trinitarian nature, God is the first theologian. God speaks his glory and his wonder before any human engagement of God. It is, as we might observe, God’s inherent nature to speak about God – “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God” (John 1:1).
It is in God’s self-contained communication and enjoyment of himself that we find rest then to know God. God sees all that he is and finds it not only good, but delightful and the most worthy thing to speak about. If I might say this, that is why the Son is so massively important to God – it is God’s communication and enjoyment of himself taken on personality. That is a massive thought to me, and one that makes me pause from saying more to give it further thought (though I know it’s how Edward’s formulated the Trinity – here).
But let us dwell on this – when we think about God, when we think true thoughts about him, we are thinking God’s thoughts after him (a phrase Van Til made famous, which actually comes – in my reading – from Bavinck, though certainly it could be older). God thinks clear thoughts about himself. God sees, communicates, and receives clearly and rationally all that he is. That is fundamental to the doctrine of the Trinity; that is what it means for God to be the first theologian. God writes in himself the grandest and deepest theological volume ever – that’s right, before Calvin, Augustine, and Paul even come close to hitting the scene. (Just a thought – his book consists of actual, real time 3D people – ahem, one is reading this right now – who have a manual for understanding him. God doesn’t write fiction.)
God’s thoughts about himself are self-contained. Therefore, all my thoughts about God are an act of mercy. Thus, it is through his Word to me that I see his kindness and mercy – and assurance merely through the presence of the Bible that God wants me to know him. The Bible is itself a beacon of hope that God does not want me to stay how I am – in my sick, twisted, wreck of a life. He wants me to know him, and he loved this wicked life so much that he gave his Son to die for my sin in my place for the wrath I deserved so that I can know this wonderful God who loves and enjoys his glory, and wants me to enjoy it to.
Meditation
For God to be the first theologian means that all aspects of my life are ruled by theology. Why? Because all of God’s thoughts are God-centered, therefore all of my thoughts (being created in his image) are God-centered as well. And yet, I seek to deify myself and reject God as being the source and center of my being. We commonly know this practice as sin (fyi). And now the deep reality – for God to be the first theologian, and for me to be chief plagiarizing theologian, means I need a mediating theologian. I need the theology of mediation – who is the incarnate Word, Jesus Christ (John 1:14). What all of this massive reality of God as first theologian means is this: I NEED the Gospel. I therefore tremble before the Gospel, in desperate need and dependence. How often do you fall on your face before the living, majestic God after reading dense, deep, instructive, important theological works? (You should try it some time – it makes the theology make more sense.)
With God as the first theologian, David’s Psalm makes a little more sense: “in your light do we see light” (Psalm 36:9). Because God thinks about himself clearly, we can think about him clearly. That’s a helpful and deeply comforting truth to battle our relativistic, post-modern doubts. How can we know truth? We can know Truth rightly because Truth knows itself; Truth is self-conscious.
Therefore, when my emotions, depression, doubts, sin, fear all assail my soul, how can I survive? By looking to God’s theologizing about himself – the Bible; a 3D book about God.
How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
You, who unto Jesus for refuge have fled?
The Dependent Character of Theology
22 years ago
Last week in class we started out by doing a general overview of what we’re covering in the course, and set some basic foundations for the content. One of the best things – and main emphasis – of what we talked about was the fundamentally dependent nature of theology. Dr. Garner read the following quote to the class which I found very powerful:
In this sense we speak of a dependent character for Theology. When an absolute stranger falls into the hands of the police, which is no infrequent occurrence anywhere, and steadfastly refuses to utter a single syllable, the police face an enigma which they cannot solve. They are entirely dependent upon the will of that stranger either to reveal or not to reveal knowledge of himself. And this is true in an absolute sense of the Theologian over against his God. He cannot investigate God. There is nothing to analyze. There are no phenomena from which to draw conclusions. Only when that wondrous God will speak, can he listen. And thus the Theologian is absolutely dependent upon the pleasure of God, either to impart or not to impart knowledge of Himself. Even verification is here absolutely excluded. When a man reveals something of himself to me, I can verify this, and if necessary pass criticism upon it. But when the Theologian stands in the presence of God, and God gives him some explanation of His existence as God, every idea of testing this self-communication of God by something else is absurd; hence, in the absence of such a touchstone,. there can be no verification, and consequently no room for criticism. This dependent character, therefore, is not something accidental, but essential to Theology. As soon as this character is lost, there is no more Theology, even though an investigation of an entirely different kind still adorns itself with the theological name. In his entire Theology the Theologian must stand in the presence of God as his God, and as soon as for a single instant he looks away from the living God, in order to engage himself with an idea about God over which he will sit as judge, he is lost in phraseology, because the object of his knowledge has already vanished from his view. As you cannot kneel in prayer before your God as worshipper, in any other way except as dependent upon Him, so also as Theologian you can receive no knowledge of God when you refuse to receive your knowledge of Him in absolute dependence upon Him. (Abraham Kuyper, Encyclopedia of Sacred Theology, 251-52)
There are two important things to note from this passage:
Our theology, for it to be true, must be based on God revealing Himself. This is to say that we cannot postulate and speculare up into a true knowledge of God. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge” (Proverbs 1:7). We must first look for God as God over us before we can know anything further about God (his attributes, character, personality, etc.). God must speak for us to know anything about him. What Kuyper nails in this passage is that if God does not speak about himself, there is no ground for knowing anything about him. We know God because he’s gracious. We know God because he loves revealing himself. And why does he love revealing himself? Because he loves making his glory great, for “from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen” (Romans 11:36). Because God’s revelation of himself is the only way we can know him, the thought of testing that knowledge against anything else is absolutely absurd, and fundamentally a misstep of faith. Why? Because when we want to test something to see if its true, we test it against things that it is like. You test the testimony of one person on an event against another person on an event; you test the accuracy of a gun against the accuracy of another gun. So how will you test the revelation of God? Against… another god’s revelation? If God speaks, his “Word is truth” (John 17:17), and as such, there is no other truth or word to test it against. We receive – we depend on God to reveal himself, and we believe. It is a joy to know the Word of God and receive him in joy (isn’t that one of the underlying themes of Psalm 119?).
Secondly, When we deviate from looking to God to reveal himself in a dependent character, we commit idolatry. This is a point more for meditation than exposition, but consider: When we say, “God’s Word is not sufficient to know God”, what are we fundamentally doing? Among many things, we are then putting our judgment above God’s, and making an idol after our own image of what we think God should be. This is at least one of the things Paul underlines in Romans 1:18ff – When people reject God on God’s terms, they raise up themselves and an idol to worship like themselves. When we turn from receiving God, dependent on him, longing for his Word and revelation – when we turn from this view of theology, we automatically start creating an image of God that we can control, we commit idolatry.
So, in light of that, I’d encourage you to re-read Kuyper’s quote.
Meditation
What this means for my soul is that it impresses upon me the importance of prayer in theological work as in the rest of life. The Lord says, “But this is the one to whom I will look: he who is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word” (Isaiah 66:2). “You have said, ‘Seek my face.’ My heart says to you, ‘Your face, Lord, do I seek’ (Psalm 27:8). The aim of God in my life is for me to seek his face, to know him in prayer and quietness. To know him for all that he is and all that subsiquently says about me – which should drive me to trembling prayer. The knowledge of God, even in an academic setting, should set me on edge, trembling for how great he is. What a severe glory – I can only know God on his terms. This underlines his sovereignty and puts his grace in Technicolor. The mouth requires the hand atop it, for there is nothing else to do here. Silence and prayer before this God whom I love to know. Does this not put new depths to Jesus saying, “The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life” (John 6:63)? Let us come before this God, who in the fullness of time sent His Son that we might be reconciled from our sin and idolatry by His blood to have fellowship and knowledge of Him.
—————-
What I’m thinking of doing is posting from week to week on what I’m learning in class – at least a part of it. If that’s something you’d like for me to do, please leave a comment, it helps me know if what I’m posting is actually helpful to people.
I’m going to semenary…Tomorrow
02 years ago
Classes started this past week, but my class being on a Monday starts tomorrow. I’m just taking one class – Prolegomena to Theology (a.k.a. Introduction to Systematic Theology). As I’ve mentioned before in this series of posts, I’ll be approaching seminary in a little less standard way – though I know I’m not the only part-timer there! I’m really looking forward to it. I don’t know if anybody is particularly interested in my musings on this next step for me (and us as a family), but here are a few reflections that have washed through the creek of my mind lately:
- I mean, how cool is it to have a class, for 12 weeks, on theology, the doctrines of revelation and Scripture! It just blows my mind – I get to think with someone way learned on these things about how God reveals himself and his Word.
- In the last 6 months, particularly since we lost the baby, God’s Word has become all the more precious to me. Not as though I devalued it, but it has become my meat and strength. More and more, I can’t think without his Word guiding me because his word is truth and my sure and steady guide. So, to echo the above thought, how awesome is it to give serious thought to thinking about what God says about his Word. People complain that seminary can be aloof and not practical. I’m sorry, but how much more practical could you get than to give serious thought to learning what God thinks about his Word! Struggles in marriage, worldliness, lust, etc. all find their sure weapon of death in God’s sure and certain Word – shouldn’t we know what God thinks about it!
- I will be held accountable on the Last Day for this class. Yea, it’s just some money and class time, but I’m dealing with God’s things here, and I’m stewarding whatever giving God has given me to give particular attention to God’s things, so I know he’ll ask me what I did with the time when I stand before the throne. That means I take my time and study seriously. I’m not trying to just pass the class, or write passing papers. I’m seeking to redeem the time in such a way that God is my aim of honoring in this time.
- Time management is crucial. C.J. Mahaney’s blogs on biblical productivity were incredibly helpful in helping me put my time needs into categories where “yes” and “no” became more discernible. I’ll let the Spirit do the convicting on who should be reading this (ahem, the word starts with “e” and ends with “body”…). The demands of almost 50 hours of work per week (including drive time), being married (that’s a 24/7 honor), a Christian (again, 24/7, devotion times, community group, church involvement, etc.), and other things (I’ve got a couple more responsibilities in my community group starting this fall) all mean that adding a class (class + drive + study = a 10-15 hour part time job) means I need to really beg for wisdom and exercise discernment on what we can and can’t do. C.J.’s blogs helped give me the tools to work through my time management. Thankfully, that plus iCal makes this a lot easier to do. Now that the semester has started, the rubber hits the road now and means I need to be seeking to kill that sin I like so much: lazy ambivalence (pride in cool hang-out cloths).
- Class notes will be fun. I will not be using a computer in class, they annoy me and I think they dumb down one’s class involvement (or at least to be gracious, they have the potential to do that). R. Scott Clark (our at Westminster Seminary California) has some helpful thoughts on computers in the class room here. I recommend them. What can I say, I’m old school on this one. I’ve developed a little note taking method for class, so we’ll see how it goes.
- How cool is it to be taking this class! Yea, I know I’ve said that already, but it’s exciting.
Pray for me if you think of it. I need lots of grace to be attentive to what God’s given me to do this fall. Only God gets his to-do list done, and thankfully he’s given me Jesus Christ to know that all my many sins that will be exposed and prodded during this time have been atoned for, and that through Jesus, by the power of his Spirit, I have the hope of love at his throne in the end, and power to change to hopefully do things in a way that honors him this semester.
So I’m going to seminary – Dr. Ashford
02 years ago
I haven’t had a chance to work on this series of blogs recently, but I did want to put forth a series of posts somebody else did on this subject which a friend brought my attention to while discussing these posts.
I haven’t read beyond the first post in the series, so I can’t speak for my thoughts on their content, but from what I’ve read so far, and the given tittles of the posts, I at least wanted the up for others to reference. On to posting again soon.
Yours,
~Jacob
So I’m going to seminary – Approach
03 years ago
I alluded to this subject at the end of my last post, but it might be helpful to open it up a little be more here. Over the course of the last few years I’ve been able to give some unhurried thought to Christian education. In particular, given my own past idolizing of seminary, thoughts about how Christians should be educated have been on the side burner for me (the little burner to the left – not main, but always there). The main issue is simply this: The New Testament (NT) has no explicit teaching that one should establish separate institutions for Christian education apart from the local church body. Now I understand that this statement could sound reactionary or anti-intellectual, but to read it that way would be a misunderstanding.
The model I see portrayed in the NT is one of the presiding pastors of a local body teaching and equipping the people they serve with the clear teaching of Scripture, and the tools to understand their Bibles accurately. I largely gather this from the form of the NT: Letters of instruction, interpretation, and application to the local body of believers. We see this even in the personal letters written in that the church judged them full of teaching not limited for that person but important for the church at large. Given the clear fact that all the major works of the NT were written for the purpose of communal edification and teaching, it seems like a simple deduction that Christian education and instruction is intended to be done within the “walls” of the local church. (One can’t help but note Revelation 1:3 at this point – “Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear, and who keep what is written in it, for the time is near.”)
Why does it need to be this way? Mainly, I would argue, because the word of God is for the people of God, to be lived out by them for the glorification of God (thanks be to God! – my liturgical upbringing there). God sends his word to a people to be learned and lived by them; he even incarnates and stoops from his glory to make this a reality. The Gospel and the Word of God are not given to be studied apart from personal and communal application. That is why, I think, Paul gives his major doctrinal works that hinge word “therefore” (i.e. Romans 12:1, Ephesians 4:1) – deep doctrine must effect us deeply for it to evidenced as truth. Thus, in the muck and grim of the local church, deep doctrines of the sovereignty of God are made to be wrestled with in light of all the severe suffering and pain that “everyday people” bring into our lives. The stirring pot of the local church makes us wrestle with deep doctrine in a way that has immediate live application.
Therefore, for me, as I’m approaching seminary, I’m trying with all my might to orient my life and the education I receive to be applicable to the community I am in. That is why, for the time being, I’m just doing part-time work. To do my school work to the extent that I am prevented from actively engaging the local church would be dishonoring to Jesus. Now what this doesn’t mean is that I wouldn’t ever do full-time work. To say that would be impractical and reactionary. There is a place, I think, for devoting one’s self to full time study for the sake of serving and blessing the church. To stay in the NT, one can’t help but ponder how Paul’s life and ministry would have been drastically different if he hadn’t been a brilliant scholar taught by Gamaliel (Acts 22:3). God does give the call to some men to be set apart for study that the church – yes, in particular the local church – might be directly edified by their studies.
The seminary model is up for questioning in my mind. One of the problems I’ve seen – which isn’t unique to me – is that the model of seminary with tons of education separated from the labor of the local church is serious cause for spiritual pride. Anything can produce spiritual pride (yes, even tons of local church service separated from active, personal study). It is also a slight concern that the geographical local of most seminaries is apart from the geographic gathering point of any local church. I don’t think the Bible mandates buildings for Christians, but it is a general reality that most local churches eventually acquire a property and building for their congregational functions. As such, it does concern me about what is unintentionally, but implicitly being communicated when the education of the church isn’t happening within the walls of the local church. (As a note, this is one of the things that I greatly appreciate about the vision of Sovereign Grace Ministries’ Pastors College.)
Being involved in my local church is a major source for encouragement and perspective for me going into seminary. It is in the local church that I find the godliest men I know; men I desperately want to be like, and men who will honestly never darken the steps of a seminary (at no slam on them). That’s a major fencing to any spiritual pride that I’d be tempted to acquire through this privilege to attend seminary – education does not mean one is more godly, or more right! The call to deeper education is a personal call, not a gift of godliness. However, the call that God gives is the means by which he intends to sanctify and purify us. For me, it will be through education (or so it seems); for another, it will be through carpentry, or for another, it will be through motherhood. Each call that God gives us is intended to be that sanding paper on our souls to polish us into the form of Christ. But it is in the context of the local church that this is intended to happen – because each is called to serve the other.
So one of the things that’s on my mind going in is: How can my studies serve my local church?
The first thought I have is that it can give me direction for prayer. As the Scriptures become clearer, they shine light on where and how our culture deviates from its teaching. This gives me direction for knowing what to pray about for our church.
Secondly, I can involve my friends in what I’m studying by talking about it with them. They may not have any thoughts on technical issues (or they might!), but they will ask questions and express thoughts that will help me clarify or think in directions on the issues that I wouldn’t normally.
The third thing is to be in discussions with my pastors on the content. They are extraordinarily wise men, and getting their pastoral thoughts on different issues will help me process how to think about things. I can also serve them by handing them bite sized pieces of what I’m learning. Pastor’s don’t have the time to read everything, so handing off summaries will help me think clearer and will help them stay abreast on issues they might not normally engage with.
The local church is God’s missionary outreach, and I’m jealous to see the Gospel advance through her. So as I’m approaching seminary, my thoughts are riveted around how to serve the great commission. While I might be called in this season to devote serious time to study, it must not sever my active involvement in my church body. I pray these thoughts that I’ve expressed capture God’s heart for how academic study should serve his church.
So, I’m going to seminary…
03 years ago
So, I’m going to seminary. Indeed, danger is afoot, but thankfully, in whatever I bring to the task, Jesus has promised that the gates of Hell shall never conquer his kingdom. I therefore anticipate a great crusade of grace upon this man’s heart. The honor of going to seminary has been a long desire of mine, and one that I have given much thought to over the last six years. What I’d like to do here on the blog is work out a few of those things, hopefully to the benefit of those who read. At the moment I have a total of four posts in mind (including this one) though that may get stretched if I realize certain things are not fit for particular headings. Anyhow, so on to the first:
How I got here.
This process, while not very long (five years is a dust of time to God), there have been many unexpected turns, which I hope to keep to a minimum here. I grew up in the United Methodist Church, and at the end of high school, going into college, had the sense of call and the coupled ambition to go to seminary after undergraduate studies to be ordained as pastor. This, for me, meant an immediate insertion into the ordination process to discuss and discern a pastoral calling. In addition, I was already looking at seminaries – yes, even requesting information – as a freshman, anticipating the next step in the journey, even as my present foot was just hitting the dust of the current place.
Over the next few years, several events happened almost all at once that turned my direction. The first was a family crisis that turned my head from the Open Theistic view of God that I had to the Reformed teachings. This was mainly through John Piper’s teaching and ministry. This turned my theological perspective from the Weslyan, Arminian tradition and view, to the Reformed, Calvinist tradition, with the spice of spiritual gifts, just to make things fun. Through Piper and another friend, I was introduced to C.J. Mahaney and Sovereign Grace Ministries (SGM) – guys who were like me, mainly Reformed Baptists who prayed in tongues and prophesied all over the place.
During this time, my thoughts about the nature of the church began to shift. I had previously been giving most of my time and energy to the local Wesley Foundation (the UMC’s college ministry), meanwhile not really investing much into the local church. The college ministry basically consisted of young adults from various backgrounds, all in the 18-23 age range. But what I was seeing in the NT for fellowship and the context for normal Christian life was the local church, filled with people at various stages and seasons of life, where the Scriptures were regularly preached, and where appointed elders lead the people. I didn’t see a call to segregate a particular age group away from that local church to minister to itself, but rather each member contributing to, and being disciple by, the members within the local church body. So, with this stirring in my heart, I started to pull away from the college ministries I was involved in and joined a local Reformed Baptist Church (that I dearly love to this day!) that had this same vision, of a true “life together” under the Word of God in loving fellowship.
Coupled with this was a revisioning of pastoral ministry. The bread and butter of what I had been raised in was to set a course on what God was calling you to, and make a b-line towards that. For me, and I would wager a large number of my pears, this meant that one announced their pastoral calling and moved towards that. Now of course there were things set in place to avoid ordaining non-called people, but there was not much of an emphasis on a communal sense of calling for pastoral ministry, it was more about one’s personal desire, regardless of the heart’s motivation. What I began to see in the NT was men being given a personal sense of call to pastoral ministry that was evaluated and discerned in the context of the local church where people could probe those desires. The pastors of the church were lifted up by the church (both congregation and leadership). This perspective was informed largely by meditation on Scripture, but was also helped and clarified by a little booklet put out by SGM entitled, Am I Called? I should note here that in retrospect, I should have involved the community that I was a part of within the college ministry more than I did – a lack of application of what I was learning here, and a good mixture of pride.
The things that fell into place for me, the mental furnature if you will, were that I was engaged to be married, and nearing graduation. What was to come began to be dictated by the desires we had. We started looking into SGM, and decided that we should pare up cities with both great theological institutions and Sovereign Grace churches. To make this short, this eventually lead to me visiting Covenant Fellowship Church, just outside Philadelphia which housed Westminster Theological Seminary. From this visit, and a subsequent visit to a SGM church in North Carolina for Michelle to get the flavor of what they were about, we felt that God was leading us to move to the Philly area to join Covenant Fellowship. What also happened during this time was a sense that I should put off seminary work for the time being, and set my focus on getting married (and learning to be a husband), moving us to Philly, and becoming active members at our new local church.
So, skip into the summer of 2007, we were now married, moved, and members of Covenant Fellowship. But there I was, still wrestling with thoughts and desires for seminary work. So a pastor and I got together for lunch where I got telling him about my thoughts. His guidance was to continue as we were in the church – active and growing – and to join in on the discipleship groups they were doing called GROW. The purpose of those groups was to help people in their basic Christian discipleship to Jesus Christ, and to give a closer context for pastors to see if members were called to leadership within the church (any type of leadership, not just pastoral). This then ended and moved into INVEST, which was more intentionally focused on leadership development for members who the pastors wanted to train more “hands on”.
All of this transpired over a 2ish year period. What occurred in my heart over that time was profound grace from a gracious God to a deeply entrenched, demanding sinner. Through the process I realized that I had simply made an idol of seminary. That was the place that competent people like me deserved to go – we deserved schooling so that we can help all of yous! Why wasn’t God giving me what I wanted! I just simply wanted to give him glory! What a fool I was! Some friends of mine also began to comment that it seemed like I viewed my present season as a waste of time. This all was a part of God exposing my discontentment in his plans for me. I wanted the things of God when I wanted them regardless of what was inconsistent with those things in my own life. How can a man be a tool of God when he’s not been effected by God? I began to see how I wasn’t serving my wife, nor giving serious attention to her spiritual growth. I was mainly jealous for ministry for vain glory. I was constantly anxious about what the pastors were thinking about out ministry future – even judging them, supposing that they didn’t see a pastoral calling. This was the spin of my deceitful heart – completely neglecting the Gospel in engaging my view of life and others. All of this simply from a differed desire for seminary!
So, over the last two years I have been in “the school of grace.” I’ve seen how first and foremost, my time with God, my heart and mind before him in confession and worship, are of primary important. From there, my delightfully role of being Michelle’s husband is my primary. If I fail at being a husband, I fail everything. I have grown in my desire be a godly husband, and by the grace of the Gospel, I have seen growth. Further, I’ve grown in my contentment to not be celebrated or seen, but to simply serve in obscurity in my church – either taking meals to others, growing in deeper relationships with my friends, or simply setting up chairs at church. My friends who have been the key means of grace in this area are Jace and Jenny Hudson, and Brandon and Anya Page. These are four people that I think the world of, and consider them my closest friends. They are each examples of Christians living godly lives in obscurity, all the while being massive examples of the victory of the cross of Jesus Christ before my eyes.
So, now to the “I’m going to seminary part”. Over the last year, Jim Donohue (the pastor I’ve been in an INVEST group with) and I have been talking about pastoral yearnings in my heart. In addition, Jim’s had the time to see gifting and leadership in my life that has given him fuel for thought in where God might be calling me. But along the way, Jim and I have gotten to know each other, and Michelle and I have received loads of grace through Jim having observations on our life and marriage that have helped us see sin and grow in grace. Through this time, almost every spring, I hit the desire, “Should I apply for seminary?” Jim and I got together a couple months ago to talk about how to deploy us in the church, during which we talked about desires I had and his observations on gifting. It actually was very helpful because we both started talking about if I should do seminary work. This conversation lead to us seeing that it would seem that God is leading me to do seminary work given the gifts he’s given me, and the way folks within the church have benefited from those gifts. What I find profoundly deep about this decision is that it came out of a communal recognition, stirred by my own desires, and lead wisely by pastors.
Subsequently to that conversation, I applied to Westminster Theological Seminary here in Philadelphia, and was accepted for their Master of Arts in Religion degree with a focus on Theological Studies. So, after a long trail turned around, the issue wasn’t so much of getting into seminary, but God getting his perspective on it into my heart. Honestly, at this point, I could take or leave seminary work. I’m excited about it, and look forward to the task, but it’s no longer an idol for me. At this point, I’ll be taking one class this fall (Prolegoma to Theology), but if through that we feel that this isn’t what God’s leading me to, I’ll step out. A theological degree is intended to serve the treasuring of Jesus Christ in my own soul, and to help me be used to stir the same treasuring in other people. It is not intended to make me more important, but rather, cause me to decrease that Christ may increase. Going into the great honor of seminary, I honestly desire what I didn’t before – the glory of my precious Savior, Jesus Christ, to be seen and known in my life, in the life of his people, and to those still in rebellion to him.
