pregnancy

A couple months ago, Michelle and I were on a date, talking through life (a normal, weekly practice for us). As usual, pregnancy stuff comes up where we check in and see how each other are doing – struggles, sins, weariness, dreams, longings, evidences of grace, etc. The question had been stirring around my mind for a couple days. I knew it wasn’t, well, the nicest type of question to ask, but it needed to be asked nonetheless. So in the best possible way, I ask the question to Michelle, “So, you know, pregnancy isn’t just about that 9 months, it’s about children after that. Do you think you want to be pregnant more than you want to have children?” The question really opened up an avenue of discussion for us that proved very insightful and helpful.

The question might seem a little odd at first, even callus. But I think it’s a Biblical question to think about. Is the desire for children so wrapped up in “just being pregnant” that the whole aspect of life after the delivery room is a distant mirage?

Pregnancy is, of course, a unique experience like none other. I’ve passed a few kidney stones (the Lord’s thorn in my side – literally – to humble me), but I don’t think that really counts. But in thinking about the building of a family, pregnancy is not the only way a family grows. The distinction is one of categories. The desire for children is one category, the desire to be pregnant is another category. Certainly the two have significant overlap, but we should see them separately ultimately because the desire for children supersedes the desire to be pregnant. A woman is only pregnant for 9 months at a time (and all the women of the world stood up and said, “Praise Jesus!”), but a family continues from generation to generation.

What this distinction does, especially for couples facing the challenge and suffering of infertility, is frees them to consider other options of what growing a family looks like. Infertility is an interesting place where the creeping question sits around, “If we try something else, or look at adoption options, are we not trusting God for children?” That’s a Satanic question. Not trusting God and looking at other options for fulfilling the desire for children are not coterminous. Can a couple pursue adoption as a means of not trusting God? Sure, but let’s keep the issues of the heart separated out on the dissection table.

This category separation has been helpful for us. We are able to see the desire for children as “the goal”, and pregnancy or adoption as “the means”. (This also has the devastating effect of destroying any genetic snobbery one might be harboring.) We desire children. We long for little cute faces running around our home. We look forward to our parents being grandparents. So, for us, the trajectory is looking towards both medical help to conceive, and adoption. We are pursuing both and seeing what God does with this. God loves children, and we know he desires children in our home. However we receive that gift from him is up to him.