Growing in Christ
infertility
Resource: Loving Your Friend Through Infertility
13 months ago
by Jacob
in infertility
It was when I got the phone call from a friend to tell me that they were pregnant that I knew: We’d become “that” couple. This friend was very caring and wanted to tell me personally that they were pregnant before the news his Facebook and got around to Michelle. It was a very thoughtful thing for him to do. Then I had a second friend do the same thing. It was a moment when I was able to affirm to these men that not only was God faithful to us in our struggle with infertility, but I was encouraged by God’s activity in them to be sensitive to the way “who’s pregnant” news can affect people differently. It was a moment when God’s grace was clearly active in my friends’ to lead them to lovingly care for us through our infertility.
Along these lines, Jackie Lopina has written up a stellar series on this subject: Loving Your Friend Through Infertility. I can’t recommend it enough! The series is thoughtful, filled with wisdom, practical, and aimed at the glory of Christ. Jackie writes 20 different “bite sized” posts that reflect careful thought on the issues people experience in walking through infertility. What I appreciate so much here is that she grounds the posts in Scripture, which means she’s always facing Jesus in helping us think through this. She doesn’t want us happy in the end, she wants us resting on Christ – whether that’s in helping a friend through infertility, or walking through it ourselves. Her keen insight on heart issues leads to careful and insightful questions to ask a friend (or your spouse!) struggling with infertility. She knows the pitfalls of the heart on this issue, and offers helpful wisdom on where to go with struggles and how to process difficulties. One aspect that stuck out to me where her posts on prayer (Part 1, 2, & 3) that emphasized great categories of why (because God loves to hear and answer) and what to pray (truth, comfort, joy, guidance and children). She also covers the “well intentioned but not so helpful” things friends will say (1 & 2) in a way that’s illuminating for people who aren’t struggling with infertility, and helpful for those who are in how to process the remarks. The short-sized nature of the posts make these super practical and helpful.
I commend the resource to you! The likelihood is that you either know someone who’s struggling with this, or you will, and Christ has something to speak to them. Jackie helps us see those connections, and for that service, I am deeply grateful.
PS – If you’re interested, I’ve written about our experiences with both infertility and miscarriage on this blog.
- Photo Credit: Nick Galifianakis for The Washington Post
Suffering with Jesus
06 months ago
It was over two years ago now. I’d gotten a concerned call from Michelle and headed home from work. When I got there, there was even more reason to be upset and confused. The next day we found out we’d miscarried our first pregnancy, but for that evening, we were lost in confusion, pain, and a hint of what was happening.
In those moments, I didn’t know what to do, but I knew we needed to hear from God. In these situations, people typically run to the Psalms. They’re full of perspective and the reality of life in a suffering, fallen world. But I think in my mind that night, I wanted something that was long (because I honestly didn’t want the silence to crush us), and something that put us in God’s story.
After dinner, I turned to John, and we read chapters 13-17, Jesus final discourse with his disciples. Maybe this seems odd as a passage to read for comfort in suffering and pain. At the time it made perfect sense, and it still does.
The section opens with these profound lines about the mind of Jesus going into the crucifixion. John tells us that, “Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, [and] having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.” He goes on: “Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, rose from supper.” Jesus knew the pain and confusion of the world – he knew one of his closest friends was going to betray him to death in a matter of hours (under his own permission in fact), but he didn’t flinch, and he didn’t muscle through. Jesus knew that his Father was sovereign and in control of everything, even his own death, and he continued to love. He loved his father, and he loved his own. He loved them to the end.
In this vein, there are three sections that particularly spoke comfort in those dark hours: The Vine, The Victory, and The Prayer.
The Vine
In John 15, Jesus speaks of his union with his believers in such intimate terms that they are his branches, feeding off of his nourishment. In terms of suffering, like a plant, when one part suffers, the others feel it. We typically understand this in terms of other people sympathizing and feeling with us, which is right. But we need to take this back to Christ. When we suffer, Christ does. Being united to Christ means that all that we weather in him is weathered in his love. The paths of love are constantly, ever flowing from Christ to his people in all situations. John Flavel remarks: “Christ and the saints smile and sigh together.”
The Victory
Jesus said, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 17:33). There’s nothing quite like the death of a long anticipated pregnancy to make you feel that the world is full of trial and tribulation. Here, Christ calls us back to seeing his own sufficiency for our need. The sorrow does not win, because Christ who took on the full weight of sorrow and suffering, did not stay dead. This doesn’t mean the pain isn’t real, or lasting, or a wound that won’t go away, but it does mean that there’s hope and peace and comfort in Jesus. Along these lines Paul later comments “[we do] not grieve as others do who have no hope” (1 Thes. 4:13). We grieve, but with hope. I wrote about this after we miscarried here.
The Prayer
The High Priestly prayer of Jesus in John 17 is maybe one of the holiest sections of Scripture. If you want to know the Savior’s heart for you in this world, and in your trials, follow his prayer here. What this prayer did (and does) for me was give perspective. Jesus knows my trial, Jesus loves me and walks with me in my trial, and Jesus wants me to have the best thing at the end of my trial: seeing him face to face in his full, radiant glory. Suffering and sorrow will be swallowed up one day, and this Jesus who “loved me to the end” will see me, and I him, and will heal this heart wounded by the tribulations of this world. One day. One day soon. In the meantime, he has prayed for me to know him and his love, and the best medicine for sorrow and pain is to learn the hope and love that he is for me.
God’s Faithfulness, Infertility, and Miscarriage
51 year ago
We were recently asked to write up a testimony about our experience through infertility and a miscarriage to encourage our local church. The voice is a little different than my usual writing here. Feel free to comment or share your experience.
We got married in May 2007, just days after we both graduated from college. We loved being married and eagerly anticipated the day when God would give us children. After a year of marriage we began to start trying for children and though we prayed that God would give us a baby soon, month after month went by and we still weren’t pregnant.
While it seemed that everybody around us was getting pregnant and having babies, we were rounding the corner of infertility for over a year, waiting month after month for a gift that God seemed to be withholding indefinitely.
After just over a year we went to a doctor to get everything checked out only to find out that nothing was wrong. We began taking some medicine to help increase our chances of getting pregnant. After a few months of medical assistance, we found out that we were pregnant, in all places, at Disney World. We eagerly shared the news with our close friends and family who had been faithfully praying for us and caring for us. However, when we were six weeks pregnant we miscarried.
These were very difficult days for us. We had stood, mustering up as much joy as we could in watching many receive the very gift of children that we so desired, and when we did receive that gift, God took it away. Why was our Father doing this?
The wound of the infertility and miscarriage was very deep, and those days were very dark. Through this time, the Lord specifically spoke through his Word to comfort us. It began with the preached Word we had heard just the Sunday before our miscarriage that because of our sure hope in Christ, “we do not grieve as those who have no hope”. Our sorrow was bitter because the effects and outfall of sin in the world is bitter. But Christ is a hope-giving Savior, and in many ways the Resurrection became more precious to us, when we would say good-bye to this fallen world and be with Jesus.
The Lord also spoke to us through the Psalms. Through psalms like Psalm 16, 121, 130, 27, 73, the Lord spoke to us not minimizing our suffering, but turning our gaze to Him. It was only through looking at the glory and character of God that we found comfort in that time. Through seeing who Christ is – that he is a loving, caring, gracious, sovereign, all ways faithful God – did we have a standing place amidst the storm and confusion of the sorrow.
And, again, the preached Word was a primary means of grace. As we were working through life after all of this, our pastors preached through Words of Comfort, and through Isaiah 40 we experienced the humbling joy of knowing Christ our great Comforter. Through all of this, God was showing us that though our trial was difficult, God was still faithful because he was the true God who never fails to walk through his people’s trials with them and work their circumstances for their joy.
After losing our baby we decided to continue trying to get pregnant and using the medicine. After several more unsuccessful months we began praying about whether or not God was calling us to adoption. Even before we got married we have had a heart to adopt, but we assumed that would be when we were a little older and already had some experience as parents. At this point we were still trying to get pregnant, but we knew that we only had another month that we could continue taking the medicine we were using.
As we prayed about this we felt God give us peace, not as to whether we should start the adoption process or not, but peace that he would direct our steps. God was again drawing our attention to himself, to see Christ and know his presence with us, to see God as our faithful God.
As it so happens, we did conceive a healthy baby that month, and welcomed Owen Scott into our family on October 18, 2010.
Owen is a small expression of the hope of Psalm 27 that “We shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” Through this whole trial and journey, we have continually looked upon God’s faithfulness to us. He’s continually drawn us to see Jesus Christ, our Shepherd, King, and Friend. He has continually exposed the idols of our hearts through this so that we might receive the grace of repentance. He has continually given us his Word, both in preaching and in our personal devotions; so that we might know that He is with us. Though the trial was very difficult, God has been faithful. And he will be faithful again.
Thank you.
