contentment

So, I’m going to seminary. Indeed, danger is afoot, but thankfully, in whatever I bring to the task, Jesus has promised that the gates of Hell shall never conquer his kingdom. I therefore anticipate a great crusade of grace upon this man’s heart. The honor of going to seminary has been a long desire of mine, and one that I have given much thought to over the last six years. What I’d like to do here on the blog is work out a few of those things, hopefully to the benefit of those who read. At the moment I have a total of four posts in mind (including this one) though that may get stretched if I realize certain things are not fit for particular headings. Anyhow, so on to the first:

How I got here.

This process, while not very long (five years is a dust of time to God), there have been many unexpected turns, which I hope to keep to a minimum here. I grew up in the United Methodist Church, and at the end of high school, going into college, had the sense of call and the coupled ambition to go to seminary after undergraduate studies to be ordained as pastor. This, for me, meant an immediate insertion into the ordination process to discuss and discern a pastoral calling. In addition, I was already looking at seminaries – yes, even requesting information – as a freshman, anticipating the next step in the journey, even as my present foot was just hitting the dust of the current place.

Over the next few years, several events happened almost all at once that turned my direction. The first was a family crisis that turned my head from the Open Theistic view of God that I had to the Reformed teachings. This was mainly through John Piper’s teaching and ministry. This turned my theological perspective from the Weslyan, Arminian tradition and view, to the Reformed, Calvinist tradition, with the spice of spiritual gifts, just to make things fun. Through Piper and another friend, I was introduced to C.J. Mahaney and Sovereign Grace Ministries (SGM) – guys who were like me, mainly Reformed Baptists who prayed in tongues and prophesied all over the place.

During this time, my thoughts about the nature of the church began to shift. I had previously been giving most of my time and energy to the local Wesley Foundation (the UMC’s college ministry), meanwhile not really investing much into the local church. The college ministry basically consisted of young adults from various backgrounds, all in the 18-23 age range. But what I was seeing in the NT for fellowship and the context for normal Christian life was the local church, filled with people at various stages and seasons of life, where the Scriptures were regularly preached, and where appointed elders lead the people. I didn’t see a call to segregate a particular age group away from that local church to minister to itself, but rather each member contributing to, and being disciple by, the members within the local church body. So, with this stirring in my heart, I started to pull away from the college ministries I was involved in and joined a local Reformed Baptist Church (that I dearly love to this day!) that had this same vision, of a true “life together” under the Word of God in loving fellowship.

Coupled with this was a revisioning of pastoral ministry. The bread and butter of what I had been raised in was to set a course on what God was calling you to, and make a b-line towards that. For me, and I would wager a large number of my pears, this meant that one announced their pastoral calling and moved towards that. Now of course there were things set in place to avoid ordaining non-called people, but there was not much of an emphasis on a communal sense of calling for pastoral ministry, it was more about one’s personal desire, regardless of the heart’s motivation. What I began to see in the NT was men being given a personal sense of call to pastoral ministry that was evaluated and discerned in the context of the local church where people could probe those desires. The pastors of the church were lifted up by the church (both congregation and leadership). This perspective was informed largely by meditation on Scripture, but was also helped and clarified by a little booklet put out by SGM entitled, Am I Called? I should note here that in retrospect, I should have involved the community that I was a part of within the college ministry more than I did – a lack of application of what I was learning here, and a good mixture of pride.

The things that fell into place for me, the mental furnature if you will, were that I was engaged to be married, and nearing graduation. What was to come began to be dictated by the desires we had. We started looking into SGM, and decided that we should pare up cities with both great theological institutions and Sovereign Grace churches. To make this short, this eventually lead to me visiting Covenant Fellowship Church, just outside Philadelphia which housed Westminster Theological Seminary. From this visit, and a subsequent visit to a SGM church in North Carolina for Michelle to get the flavor of what they were about, we felt that God was leading us to move to the Philly area to join Covenant Fellowship. What also happened during this time was a sense that I should put off seminary work for the time being, and set my focus on getting married (and learning to be a husband), moving us to Philly, and becoming active members at our new local church.

So, skip into the summer of 2007, we were now married, moved, and members of Covenant Fellowship. But there I was, still wrestling with thoughts and desires for seminary work. So a pastor and I got together for lunch where I got telling him about my thoughts. His guidance was to continue as we were in the church – active and growing – and to join in on the discipleship groups they were doing called GROW. The purpose of those groups was to help people in their basic Christian discipleship to Jesus Christ, and to give a closer context for pastors to see if members were called to leadership within the church (any type of leadership, not just pastoral). This then ended and moved into INVEST, which was more intentionally focused on leadership development for members who the pastors wanted to train more “hands on”.

All of this transpired over a 2ish year period. What occurred in my heart over that time was profound grace from a gracious God to a deeply entrenched, demanding sinner. Through the process I realized that I had simply made an idol of seminary. That was the place that competent people like me deserved to go – we deserved schooling so that we can help all of yous! Why wasn’t God giving me what I wanted! I just simply wanted to give him glory! What a fool I was! Some friends of mine also began to comment that it seemed like I viewed my present season as a waste of time. This all was a part of God exposing my discontentment in his plans for me. I wanted the things of God when I wanted them regardless of what was inconsistent with those things in my own life. How can a man be a tool of God when he’s not been effected by God? I began to see how I wasn’t serving my wife, nor giving serious attention to her spiritual growth. I was mainly jealous for ministry for vain glory. I was constantly anxious about what the pastors were thinking about out ministry future – even judging them, supposing that they didn’t see a pastoral calling. This was the spin of my deceitful heart – completely neglecting the Gospel in engaging my view of life and others. All of this simply from a differed desire for seminary!

So, over the last two years I have been in “the school of grace.” I’ve seen how first and foremost, my time with God, my heart and mind before him in confession and worship, are of primary important. From there, my delightfully role of being Michelle’s husband is my primary. If I fail at being a husband, I fail everything. I have grown in my desire be a godly husband, and by the grace of the Gospel, I have seen growth. Further, I’ve grown in my contentment to not be celebrated or seen, but to simply serve in obscurity in my church – either taking meals to others, growing in deeper relationships with my friends, or simply setting up chairs at church. My friends who have been the key means of grace in this area are Jace and Jenny Hudson, and Brandon and Anya Page. These are four people that I think the world of, and consider them my closest friends. They are each examples of Christians living godly lives in obscurity, all the while being massive examples of the victory of the cross of Jesus Christ before my eyes.

So, now to the “I’m going to seminary part”. Over the last year, Jim Donohue (the pastor I’ve been in an INVEST group with) and I have been talking about pastoral yearnings in my heart. In addition, Jim’s had the time to see gifting and leadership in my life that has given him fuel for thought in where God might be calling me. But along the way, Jim and I have gotten to know each other, and Michelle and I have received loads of grace through Jim having observations on our life and marriage that have helped us see sin and grow in grace. Through this time, almost every spring, I hit the desire, “Should I apply for seminary?” Jim and I got together a couple months ago to talk about how to deploy us in the church, during which we talked about desires I had and his observations on gifting. It actually was very helpful because we both started talking about if I should do seminary work. This conversation lead to us seeing that it would seem that God is leading me to do seminary work given the gifts he’s given me, and the way folks within the church have benefited from those gifts. What I find profoundly deep about this decision is that it came out of a communal recognition, stirred by my own desires, and lead wisely by pastors.

Subsequently to that conversation, I applied to Westminster Theological Seminary here in Philadelphia, and was accepted for their Master of Arts in Religion degree with a focus on Theological Studies. So, after a long trail turned around, the issue wasn’t so much of getting into seminary, but God getting his perspective on it into my heart. Honestly, at this point, I could take or leave seminary work. I’m excited about it, and look forward to the task, but it’s no longer an idol for me. At this point, I’ll be taking one class this fall (Prolegoma to Theology), but if through that we feel that this isn’t what God’s leading me to, I’ll step out. A theological degree is intended to serve the treasuring of Jesus Christ in my own soul, and to help me be used to stir the same treasuring in other people. It is not intended to make me more important, but rather, cause me to decrease that Christ may increase. Going into the great honor of seminary, I honestly desire what I didn’t before – the glory of my precious Savior, Jesus Christ, to be seen and known in my life, in the life of his people, and to those still in rebellion to him.