adoption

God’s Faithfulness, Infertility, and Miscarriage

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We were recently asked to write up a testimony about our experience through infertility and a miscarriage to encourage our local church. The voice is a little different than my usual writing here. Feel free to comment or share your experience.

We got married in May 2007, just days after we both graduated from college. We loved being married and eagerly anticipated the day when God would give us children. After a year of marriage we began to start trying for children and though we prayed that God would give us a baby soon, month after month went by and we still weren’t pregnant.

While it seemed that everybody around us was getting pregnant and having babies, we were rounding the corner of infertility for over a year, waiting month after month for a gift that God seemed to be withholding indefinitely.

After just over a year we went to a doctor to get everything checked out only to find out that nothing was wrong. We began taking some medicine to help increase our chances of getting pregnant. After a few months of medical assistance, we found out that we were pregnant, in all places, at Disney World. We eagerly shared the news with our close friends and family who had been faithfully praying for us and caring for us. However, when we were six weeks pregnant we miscarried.

These were very difficult days for us. We had stood, mustering up as much joy as we could in watching many receive the very gift of children that we so desired, and when we did receive that gift, God took it away. Why was our Father doing this?

The wound of the infertility and miscarriage was very deep, and those days were very dark. Through this time, the Lord specifically spoke through his Word to comfort us. It began with the preached Word we had heard just the Sunday before our miscarriage that because of our sure hope in Christ, “we do not grieve as those who have no hope”. Our sorrow was bitter because the effects and outfall of sin in the world is bitter. But Christ is a hope-giving Savior, and in many ways the Resurrection became more precious to us, when we would say good-bye to this fallen world and be with Jesus.

The Lord also spoke to us through the Psalms. Through psalms like Psalm 16, 121, 130, 27, 73, the Lord spoke to us not minimizing our suffering, but turning our gaze to Him. It was only through looking at the glory and character of God that we found comfort in that time. Through seeing who Christ is – that he is a loving, caring, gracious, sovereign, all ways faithful God – did we have a standing place amidst the storm and confusion of the sorrow.

And, again, the preached Word was a primary means of grace. As we were working through life after all of this, our pastors preached through Words of Comfort, and through Isaiah 40 we experienced the humbling joy of knowing Christ our great Comforter. Through all of this, God was showing us that though our trial was difficult, God was still faithful because he was the true God who never fails to walk through his people’s trials with them and work their circumstances for their joy.

After losing our baby we decided to continue trying to get pregnant and using the medicine.  After several more unsuccessful months we began praying about whether or not God was calling us to adoption. Even before we got married we have had a heart to adopt, but we assumed that would be when we were a little older and already had some experience as parents. At this point we were still trying to get pregnant, but we knew that we only had another month that we could continue taking the medicine we were using.

As we prayed about this we felt God give us peace, not as to whether we should start the adoption process or not, but peace that he would direct our steps. God was again drawing our attention to himself, to see Christ and know his presence with us, to see God as our faithful God.

As it so happens, we did conceive a healthy baby that month, and welcomed Owen Scott into our family on October 18, 2010.

Owen is a small expression of the hope of Psalm 27 that “We shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” Through this whole trial and journey, we have continually looked upon God’s faithfulness to us. He’s continually drawn us to see Jesus Christ, our Shepherd, King, and Friend. He has continually exposed the idols of our hearts through this so that we might receive the grace of repentance. He has continually given us his Word, both in preaching and in our personal devotions; so that we might know that He is with us. Though the trial was very difficult, God has been faithful. And he will be faithful again.

Thank you.


But adoption is higher

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Maybe this is old hat to quote from J.I. Packer’s Knowing God, but I recently finished it with the men in my community group, and was deeply affected by his chapter on adoption. So here is a wonderful little section from that chapter that I will be referring to for the rest of my life:

…adoption is…the highest privilege that the gospel offers: higher even than justification… That justification- by which we mean God’s forgiveness of the past together with His acceptance for the future- is the primary and fundamental blessing of the gospel is not in question. Justification is the primary blessing, because it meets our primary spiritual need. We all stand by nature under God’s judgment; His law condemns us; guilt gnaws at us, making us restless, miserable, and in our lucid moments afraid; we have no peace in ourselves, because we have not peace with our Maker. So we need the forgiveness of our sins, and assurance of a restored relationship with God, more than we need anything else in the world; and this the gospel offers us before it offers us anything else…And as justification is the primary blessing, so it is the fundamental blessing, in the sense that everything else in our salvation assumes it, and rests on it- adoption included.

But this is not to say that justification is the highest blessing of the gospel. Adoption is higher, because of the richer relationship with God that it involves… Justification is a forensic idea, conceived in terms of law, and viewing God as judge…Adoption is a family idea, conceived in terms of love, and viewing God as father. In adoption, God takes us into His family and fellowship, and establishes us as His children and heirs. Closeness, affection and generosity are at the heart of the relationship. To be right with God the judge is a great thing, but to be loved and cared for by God the father is a greater.

J.I. Packer, Knowing God, pp. 186-188

You can purchase this book from WTSBooks in paperback or hardback.

Pregnancy v. Children?

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A couple months ago, Michelle and I were on a date, talking through life (a normal, weekly practice for us). As usual, pregnancy stuff comes up where we check in and see how each other are doing – struggles, sins, weariness, dreams, longings, evidences of grace, etc. The question had been stirring around my mind for a couple days. I knew it wasn’t, well, the nicest type of question to ask, but it needed to be asked nonetheless. So in the best possible way, I ask the question to Michelle, “So, you know, pregnancy isn’t just about that 9 months, it’s about children after that. Do you think you want to be pregnant more than you want to have children?” The question really opened up an avenue of discussion for us that proved very insightful and helpful.

The question might seem a little odd at first, even callus. But I think it’s a Biblical question to think about. Is the desire for children so wrapped up in “just being pregnant” that the whole aspect of life after the delivery room is a distant mirage?

Pregnancy is, of course, a unique experience like none other. I’ve passed a few kidney stones (the Lord’s thorn in my side – literally – to humble me), but I don’t think that really counts. But in thinking about the building of a family, pregnancy is not the only way a family grows. The distinction is one of categories. The desire for children is one category, the desire to be pregnant is another category. Certainly the two have significant overlap, but we should see them separately ultimately because the desire for children supersedes the desire to be pregnant. A woman is only pregnant for 9 months at a time (and all the women of the world stood up and said, “Praise Jesus!”), but a family continues from generation to generation.

What this distinction does, especially for couples facing the challenge and suffering of infertility, is frees them to consider other options of what growing a family looks like. Infertility is an interesting place where the creeping question sits around, “If we try something else, or look at adoption options, are we not trusting God for children?” That’s a Satanic question. Not trusting God and looking at other options for fulfilling the desire for children are not coterminous. Can a couple pursue adoption as a means of not trusting God? Sure, but let’s keep the issues of the heart separated out on the dissection table.

This category separation has been helpful for us. We are able to see the desire for children as “the goal”, and pregnancy or adoption as “the means”. (This also has the devastating effect of destroying any genetic snobbery one might be harboring.) We desire children. We long for little cute faces running around our home. We look forward to our parents being grandparents. So, for us, the trajectory is looking towards both medical help to conceive, and adoption. We are pursuing both and seeing what God does with this. God loves children, and we know he desires children in our home. However we receive that gift from him is up to him.

The Four Books of the Augustolypse

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I seemed to get in a mild reading groove in August and got through a few books I wanted to share some quick reviews of. I don’t know how I managed it, but I picked good books, the kind that are helpful and not intellectual puke validated by a little bit of ink and binding.

Book #1 – Adopted for Life by Russel D. Moore
This book was simply phenominal. I don’t stay up late or get up early to read through books, but this one hooked me. Dr. Moore approaches the issue of adoption on the board scope: the Doctrine of Adoption and our practice of adoption. The book, largely, isn’t split in a Pauline way – doctrine first, practice second. He does start the book out by spending more time on the doctrine of adoption: “But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons” (Galatians 4:4-5). He presses the point at the beginning defending Paul’s language of sonship – that in the ancient world, sons were the secure heirs while daughters could be married out of the family. This is important to note, not because men are better than women (which Peter does a good job of showing this clearly in 1 Peter 3:7), but that this is functional language about how positions in families work. One of Dr. Moore’s major emphasis in the book is to stress that adopted children are actual children in equal standing as “natural children” in a family. Throughout the book he fluctuates between “Look at the Gospel and our adoption into God’s family” and “This is how we do adoption of children into our families” almost always within the same paragraph. He helpfully draws how the Gospel really does bring us into God’ family with full freedom of love and promises by our elder brother Jesus and how that effects even how we talk about our families. He does give helpful wisdom on how to move through the difficult/tricky aspects of life that come along with adopting children (i.e. How and when to tell them they were adopted and didn’t come from mommy’s belly, awkward questions of “Did he get that behavior from his actual parents?” or the idea that “I just really want children of my own, and then we’ll adopt” – as though adopted children are semi-your-own). Honestly, for us, we do plan to adopt in the future, who knows when (I’m leaving that to the Spirit’s leading). That said, the book, for me and my family, is important reading to clarify how we are going to think about our children (“natural” or adopted) and our family life in light of what the Gospel says about us: we once were rebels and aliens to God, and he brought us near by the life and work of his only Son so that we might be adopted and made heirs of the very one we once hated but now joyfully love. I highly recommend the book.

Book #2 – Notes from the Tilt-A-Whirl by N.D. Wilson
I read this book mostly because it’s gotten a lot of hype lately. If you’re not up on the hype, then you’re out of the loop, and you should probably start thinking about changing the lunch-room table you sit at… I really enjoyed this book. Nate’s aim is to look at the world under the pretext of the doctrine ex nihilo creation, and see God’s grand story that’s clearly presented before us in the world. I really found the book quite helpful and was deeply struck mainly by how he drew me to see in a clearer way than I had before, the depths of profundity bound up in Jesus upholding “the universe by the word of his power” (Hebrews 1:3). He approaches the book, not with a straight line, but crooked like, weaving and climbing like a painter over his canvas. Nate’s intent is to paint a picture, not write a dissertation. For that I am deeply thankful. It is the sort of writing I have desired to read for a while – the type of reading that engages one existentially, as a whole being, sight, senses, intellect, heart. He takes on the philosophers in this book (calling them a few names here and there) and engages the atheist head on. The book itself is intended in many ways to be an apologetic to our age, and in my opinion, follows after the tradition of C.S. Lewis’s Mere Christianity. He addresses the problem of evil (which he states is an emotional problem, not an intellectual problem). He helps us see God’s grand story in creation and ultimately in Jesus. I appreciate this because many times talk of God’s grand story miss the central figure: Jesus. If you want a taste of the book, check out these few posts from Justin Taylor’s blog here, here, and here, and read Tony Reinke’s review of the book here. Really, the book is just that good to just read it. It’s engaging, and helpful, provocative and clear, doctrinal and entertaining. I’ve given the book to a guy at work who’s not a Christian because I feel that as much as the book is helpful to Christian, like Keller’s The Prodigal God, it’s all the more helpful in making the glory of God in the Gospel clear and engaging to non-Christians.

Book #3 – When Helping Hurts: How to Alleviate Poverty Without Hurting the Poor…and Yourself By: Brian Fikkert and Steve Corbett
I really liked this book. I was asked to read this book by a friend in my church who’s thinking through mercy ministry because he wanted me (for whatever reason) to help him in thinking through the subject. My tag line for my thoughts on the Gospel is that it deals with the Bible’s call for engaging the needs and issues of poverty while upholding the centrality of the Gospel of Jesus Christ’s substitutionary, reconciling death without falling into limp wristed, quasi-Utopian, liberal theology, and in that way believes in a bigger, stronger God than the pagan idol of the Liberals. This authors are deeply committed to the clear orthodox teaching of the Gospel, and from that seek to see poverty addressed from helpful angels. The book starts by showing how we were created to be in relationship with God, self, others, and creation, and show the effects of sin as causing rebellion and poverty in each of these areas. From here the go about showing that truly helpful mercy ministry, particularly that focused on poverty alleviation should be aimed in grace to help people restore these four areas, not just the money part. Moreover, because of the doctrine of common grace and the Gospel reality that God is working ahead of us in all situations, when we engage those in need (poverty in one of those four areas), we meet with people in whom God has already been working, and thus in whom there are already good things happening. Much of the work at this point is coming along side people to mutually help each other, potentially more focused on a particular need (i.e. X group’s poverty). This relationship fosters healing and growth in our intended relationship with others (one can’t help but think of race relations in America) and helps direct through conversations about what is already happening in a community ways to go about helping that will truly help people become self-sustained and prosperous (in the good way). For example, it ultimately hurts both parties when middle-class whites go through a poverty stricken poor neighborhood (often black) and distribute Christmas gifts. It shames the men who cannot provide for their families and perpetuates the sense that whites have it all (when the whites might not have the flick of faith that those that they are “helping” have). One of my “Amen brothers” parts of the book is where they take this view of helping the poor and aim it at the modern trend of “short term mission trips” – which ultimately hurt both the community in need and those being sent. However, the doesn’t completely destroy them, he just helps us see why they really are based on false models of how to help. I highly recommend the book. Along the lines of what is talked about in it, you can get a taste of it from a recent interview on NPR’s Speaking of Faith here (which is unrelated to the book, but related to the thrust of it). From that interview, one of the helpful points made there is that our ability to help those in need is our ability to colonize the “third world” today. Think about that for a moment. I really think before we continue in our attempts to follow Christ’s example and model in helping the poor (a legitimate and serious call of the Gospel), we really need to listen to what Fikkert and Corbet have to say to us on the matter so that we engage wisely and bring more honer and glory to Jesus Christ.

(As a side note, this book helped solidify my appreciation for and agreement with Sovereign Grace Ministries’ teaching and application of apostolic ministry. You can download and read through the booklet they’ve released on polity here, and their booklet on missiology here. In my view, the aim of applying this material to the advancement of the Gospel is pioneered by men with an apostolic calling to go into new areas, form relationships with the existing church there, to create healthy, open relationships so that appropriate means of help can be filter into an area without causing more damage with a view towards seeing the Gospel advance and heal, and not western notions of achievement and productivity.)

Book #4 – A Clear and Present Word: The Clarity of Scripture in a Confused World by Mark D. Thompson
So here we are the last book. In our present context, the cultural voice of the day says that we cannot have any certain, objective meaning in a text and that any interpretation of what something means is really just a projection of what we want to see. That is, we only read what we want to see, there is no authority on a text. With that said, Thompson does an outstanding job in answering the question: Can we know what God’s Word says? The clarity of Scripture has deeper roots than responding to the attacks of postmodern scholarship on simple-minded believers. Think Luther and Rome here on the necessity of Tradition, and the Ancient Fathers against the Gnostics. Anyhow, the book is great. How can we be confident that God’s Word is clear? Because God goes with his word. More basically, how do we know language is reliable in communicating meaning? Because it’s apart of God’s triniarian nature, and thus communication is fundamentally a gift of God, not a human tool that God co-opted. Thompson teaches us that “[t]there is never any suggestion that the incarnation makes a genuine revelation of God’s mind and character more difficult, that flesh and blood, human mobility or human means of communication are somehow obstacles to overcome” (58). That is, when God spoke to us through his incarnate Son, Jesus word’s were clear, precise in revealing God to us, and were entirely human. God’s Word to us is clear because God goes with it, it is God’s nature to speak (John 1:1), and it is his nature to be merciful and gracious. There really is not enough room here to do justice to the whole book, so if you’re interested in a more thorough, chapter by chapter over view, check out Kevin DeYoung’s review’s here. This book was just so good, another one of those books I stayed up late reading. He really taught me deep truths and realities about God and his Word, which insights more affections and love for Jesus Christ. Personally, I find this sort of reading devotional in a way – engaging the mind, and infusing fire into my affections. He addresses issues of the Bible’s view of itself and its clarity across the sweep of the Scriptures, and engages modern issues in hermeneutics and interpretation. If you’re wanting a good book that engages many issues facing the orthodox doctrine of Scripture in our present age, I would highly recommend putting this on your short list.

So there you go, my four books of August. As I said, they just all happened to be good books so I thought I’d share. As we seek to think God’s thoughts after him, let us continue to seek good books that will give us sure steps in following him.

In many ways I feel I’ve done each of these books a disservice in the brevity of each review, so if you’d like to hear more on any of them, please ask!

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